Society puts quite a premium on perfection, for good reason. Perfection fascinates and inspires. I am particularly drawn to the symmetry and complexity of buildings, bridges, and visual art, often staring at such creations with awe and wonder at how such perfection was achieved.

In addition to architecture and art, perfection is expected in vocations where the slightest mistake could be tragic. This is no less true for anyone than it is for surgeons. Surgeons strive for perfection from the moment they make their first incision to the moment they suture the exposed insides of someone’s body. When performing something as invasive as surgery, one can do great harm and when the rare mistake is made, the consequences could be just as great. Part of me feels badly for surgeons because they are, after all, human. The other part of me is comforted to know that they have such high standards because if they didn’t, I may think twice before seeking medical treatment. 

All this to say that there is validity instriving for perfection. Surgeons strive for perfection. However, it is best kept contained within the context of their work. Outside of their profession, it would likely be too draining for them to maintain such high standards of living in everything they do.  

For the rest of us, it may feel necessary to obtain perfection in our work, relationships, or appearances to achieve a level of fulfillment in life. However, if the pursuit of perfection is excessive within a particular situation and leads you to feel disconnected from yourself or others, it might be time to look at this issue more closely.  

In my practice, I believe perfectionism is at the root of a variety of issues that people seek help for: work-related stress, marital issues, feeling lonely and isolated, body image issues, and obsessive-compulsive behavior. In order to determine whether the perfection you are striving to obtain negatively impacts your life, try answering the following questions: 

-       Have you ever avoided doing a task or activity because you were afraid you wouldn’t meet the expectations you set for yourself?

-       Have other people given you feedback that you have unrealistically high standards for yourself?

-       Do you have trouble letting go of guilt and/regret when you  “failed” to meet your own expectations?

-       Are you constantly wondering what people think of you? Do you think your worries about what others think of you are excessive?

-       Does your quest for doing things perfectly or being perfect hinder you in any way?   If your answers to these questions are predominantly ‘yes’, then it is likely that perfectionism is becoming a problem for you. Although the treatment approaches may vary for different issues, a common thread that connects them is the importance of accepting yourselfin the moment. Accepting yourself in the moment does not mean that you should stop growing and improving upon yourself. We are all in the process of maturing. It does mean that at each moment of your growth process, you are self-satisfied and content.    

If you choose to embark in the process of self-discovery, be aware that perfectionism can hinder you from accepting yourself as you are in the moment. Instead, it can convince you that you will only be happy or fulfilled if you have achieved ___(you fill in the blank)____. Be aware of the false messages and empty promises being perfect sends. If living your life ‘perfectly’ is the only way you allow yourself to be, the interesting imperfections that make you a complex, unique, individual will not be realized.   If you no longer want to be bound by the need to be perfect, try taking on an open, curious attitude at each moment so that the unique parts of your self will reveal themselves to you. Only then, will it be possible to evolve into the special person you were intended to be.

I am sitting in one of my neighborhood cafes wondering why people choose to spend their precious free time congregating at establishments like this one. Ambiance? Companionship? Hopes of meeting new people? It occurs to me that being in a public place like a cafe offers many therapeutic benefits. 

For people struggling with psychological issues, getting out of the house and spending time in a public place with others can kickstart the process of recovery. One of the tasks I prescribe is to spend some time at a cafe. When an individual who is depressed spends a lot of time at home, the temptation to feed the depression through "self-medicating" activities ( sedentary, mind-numbing activities, like watching t.v., sleeping, internet-surfing) just digs them into a deeper rut. On the other hand, when an individual who is depressed spends more time outside of their "comfort zone", it is likely he/she will feel more energy from being amidst others who are  social and/or engaging in productive activities.

I have listed a few reasons why I feel a simple thing like spending time in a public locale is something that many of us already benefit from. Through this post, I hope to also encourage those who feel anxious about facing the world (yet feel isolated) to spend a little more time at their community hang out and see what happens.

Community. There is a sense of community in a public place like a neighborhood cafe -- even if you are surrounded by strangers. It's likely that the people seated around you are from the same neighborhood, and by virtue of that, are likely to share a similar culture. Oftentimes people tell me they don't think anyone would notice if something happened to them. This tells me they feel disconnected to a community but are desperately wanting to be noticed. To be missed. Frequenting a neighborhood cafe can provide anonymity that is within someone's comfort zone, yet if the desire to forge new connections develops, an individual can take steps towards developing friendships and ultimately, community.

Change of pace. Spending time at a local joint also provides a change in settings. It breaks things up in your day. In my neighborhood, most people share apartments or live in studio apartments, which can often feel stifling. By going to the open, ambient space that a cafe provides, it can  help to break up the mundane day to day routine that we can often become worn down by.

Productivity. I go to cafes to get work done..usually. Sometimes I socialize and try to get work done at the same time. Whatever the goal, it is more productive than if I were to spend that time by myself at home. A friend of mine and I were conversing about why it is so difficult to get work done at home. For me, it is because home is a place where I wind down. I resist wanting to make my home a place that is associated with work. At a public place, others are also working and by being in the midst of such company, I find motivation to be productive as well. Doing something that can be unpleasant at times seems much more palatable when others are having the same experience. 

This is just one example of how being active and connected to your community -- just by spending time in community -- can be healthy. Whether it be spending more time with friends or alone at a cafe, being out and about can be a buffer against many of the conditions that feed on isolation. So, take care of yourself by leaving your place and seeing what is brewing down the street at the coffee shop.